Inter-Industry Dating Qualms: Whether or Not To Date In Social Media
Like a bad rash, these two are back and heating things up with answers to your dirtiest questions on modern dating. Don’t hold back on them now — ask your burning, itching dating questions here.
This week’s question is about mixing work and pleasure — would you date a fellow social media junkie?
As two social media addicts, the answers are both opinionated and surprising. Get comfortable, get naked; Read, weigh-in… and while you’re at it, tweet them at @smichm and @jeremywright withthe hashtag #nakeddating.
From Don’t Shit Where You Eat: What do you think about an avid social media person dating a non-social media person? Is this wrong? How do you explain to your date all those hard questions about twitter and stuff. Do you think these two people can ultimately get along. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jer’s Response
I could probably write a chapter of a book on this question (hmm… a book…), so I’m going to boil this down a bit. The pros and cons of dating non social media folk, and rules of etiquette when doing so.
First off, full disclosure, I’m a huge fan of dating outside of social media. Having done a handful of “integrated” social media relationships which blew up in my face (see previous “almost naked in Vegas hotel” story), the reality is that adding social media to many relationships, especially during the rocky phases that happen to us all, is just asking for trouble. And if one, or both, of you is insecure? Well, if you’ve never seen naptha used instead of gas at a BBQ, let me fill you in: #KABOOM!
The best relationships I’ve had are those where someone balances me out, where we see things differently, and where we can grow together. While dating in social media works for some people (ahem, like Mel and her oh-so-adorable I-just-want-to-pinch-his-cheeks in a mostly-not-quite-gay-way boytoy) because it gives you a lot of common ground and understanding (like checking Twitter from bed, ideally not during #bowchikka)… That balance, at least for me, is often lost. So I don’t date people who are “into” social media.
The flipside of this is that sometimes girls are very not into social media. For example, #thecrush, while familiar with the concepts of social media, only uses Facebook (like “her phone doesn’t even accept picture messages” kind of not into social media). And even then mostly because, since we are long distance, that’s how we communicate on a daily basis (nerd alert: current wordcount of our Facebook messages over last 2 months? 200,000 words). She understands my need to check stuff, tells me to calm down, gets that I’ll occasionally tweet about her (in a non specific way), but is more than able to put me in my place if I’m getting too Twitter-centric. Balance: it’s not just something I failed at in elementary school phys-ed.
So dating outside of social media? It’s a win in my books. That said, here are my three tips:
- If you have some deep seated need to check social media stuff on a related basis, find someone that understands the crackberry-like addiction of social media (ie: lawyers, PR folk, marketers, or just someone who texts alot)
- If you want someone who’s going to help you disconnect, know going in that it’s going to cause friction and you’ll need to compensate for this and create balance somehow
- Either way, respect your time together: turn off the phone during dates, don’t tweet during sex (unless it’s funny, in which case DM me a link!), and above all: keep private things private. There is nothing more disrespectful than your girl/boytoy finding passive aggressive tweets or quasi responses to arguments on your Twitter account.
So while dating in the world of “the normals” can be scary, it’s definitely worthwhile. All of my best dates/crushes/girlfriends over the last two years have been outside of social media. Granted, this could be because I’m as stupid as a #failwhale, but either way it works for me. Figure out what works for you and pursue it. But along the way, don’t forget to break your own rules if you find someone worthwhile (like me breaking my “no long distance rule” for #thecrush… it’s been oh so worthwhile). Allow yourself to be surprised, whether it’s inside or outside social media. You’ll rarely regret it!
Mel’s Response
There aren’t many things Jer and I fiercely disagree on… this and how to demand anal seem to be it. Since we got the latter out of the way, we both knew this question was nothing more than inevitable. Here goes nothing.
I’m obviously very much Pro-Social Media Dating, especially if both parties are seasoned communicators. I say this in the same sense that I’m pro two people of any similar industry uniting because it’s easier to understand one another’s work-load, daily stresses, interests, and way of thinking.
However, sometimes it’s really nice to get away from all of that and unwind with someone who makes you think of life in a different way. It really depends on what you want and what makes you happy.
Cross-Industry Dating
In the past, I refused to date within the same industry. This was great because I didn’t have to hear about the latest communication tool or industry drama when I got home. Also, as a right-brain, I found my finance geek boyfriends’ thought processes utterly fascinating. They were an escape into a different world where everything was backwards and topsy-turvy; and I loved it.
Then there were the crappy parts. Ever try explaining social media to a finance geek? Could you imagine having your signif other refer to your career in socmed with an eyeroll and comment along the lines of “when will you get serious about life with a real job?” Blogging was met with “why would you put yourself out there like that?” and him explaining it to friends sounded like “she’s just really into facebook.” He didn’t get it.
Inter-Industry Dating
I haven’t had a ton of experience dating in the same industry… Luckily, my first attempt was a bulls-eye. It’s a natural fit — side-by-side on our laptops after dinner, both blogging/working/researching/geeking out. My addiction to twitter, time spent blogging and overall career goals are now met with enthusiasm and encouragement… My first attempt at video blogging was met with support and constructive criticism… And I now hear “you should blog that” un-ironically. He gets it.
Mind you, our connectedness has also been the cause of some headaches… But, I find most people – social media savvy or not — fall into some of social media’s unfriendly traps. Just because we are social savvy, definitely doesn’t make us online-issues-immune; however, both being communicators has, on more than one occasion, definitely helped keep things from becoming the shit show I’ve witnessed a lot friends put on.
Additionally, we’ve gotten comfortable sharing our experiences together with… well, our friends, followers, network, etc. and while some people love sharing in experiences with us, I have gotten some flak from people (mainly trolls) about our over-sharing. And it’s hard seeing people enter your personal blog and leave low-blow, personally charged, negative comments about someone you love… but that’s the double-edged sword of living online. (It’s actually worse when the person who posts said anonymous trash forgets to block his IP address… then tries to act like bffs via twitter the next day. True story.)
Finally, *knock on wood* I’ve never been through a break up with a socmed-connected signif other, and can honestly see that as making a breakup ten times harder. A lot of people I know swear to never put themselves through that sort of ordeal ever again, thereby swearing off those in the same industry indefinitely.
At the end of the day, it’s all about personal preference… My recipe for relationship-success consists of having someone who gets it, supports my personal and professional goals, and offers a healthy level of friendly competition. I happened to find that in a fellow social media junkie, but that doesn’t have to always be the case… nor does it mean that one must fish in the same-industry-pool to find someone to fill those requirements.
Jer’s Response
Haha, how did I know Mel would be pro social media dating? Girl knows which side her libido is, erm, buttered … on… #awkward
Let’s be fair, I think Twitter and social media are a fantastic way of meeting people. It breaks down barriers, gets you into real conversation and lets girls see the “real” side of guys. And for guys, it lets us drop in and out of conversation, only participating when we have something to add. It’s perfect for the initial stages of finding dates, seeing someone and even the relationship. I just think there can be such a thing as too much information. I’d rather tell a significant other about my day than have them know.
Besides, I’m a private person. I did my period of living my whole life in the public eye. Then I got burned by “friends”, an ex, and realized that everyone doesn’t deserve to know everything.
<rant over>
Seriously though, to the original question, dating in social media can be healthy if you know the challenges and keep communicating. Dating outside of social media can be healthy if you, erm, know the challenges and… keep communicating! It’s just different challenges. There is something to be said for dmexing (that’s sexting via DMs, okay? Yes, I made that up… Yes, it probably needs work). Just make sure you don’t #dmfail on the things you want to do
Mel’s Response
Mmm… butter…
