Naked Quick-Fire Questions: Sluts, Scandal and the Social Friending of Exes Dilemma

And the gruesome twosome go at it again with another quick-fire installment of answering your questions, naked (ask yours here!)

This week’s questions include social scarlet letters and the infamous facebook debate: to friend or unfriend the ex?

We may not technically be naked when answering these, we still bare all. Best part, we finish in under five minutes each… and by “finish” I mean answer the questions. So, strip down to your uglies with your bad self and join us. Don’t forget to Tweet us while you’re at it, just hashtag your tweet #nakeddating or send it to @smichm or @jeremywright.

Naked Question 1: The Social Scarlet Letter  

From Innocent Bystander: People make assumptions based on… Let’s say limited information. What would you suggest when interesting members of the opposite sex are somewhat wary of you based on misconceptions? In social media, it seems like every time you’re seen kissing someone, the assumption is you’re sleeping with them.

Mel’s Response

I think this is a question for Jer, as he has had very public hook ups, break ups and make ups… yet still manages to score perfect tens in the community who are completely aware of his past. (Side note: Don’t get me started on the double standard for women in this situation…)

The point of social media is to be able to be yourself. Perhaps the issue is you are not representing yourself as genuinely as possible and need to look into what messages you are communicating that create said misrepresentations. On the other hand – you could just be acting way to sensitive towards online gossip.

“Solitude’s impractical and yet society is deadly” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jer’s Response

You make me sound like some kind of slut Mel :p #bigmeanie

If you’re going to be physically affectionate with someone in public, especially a party or whatnot, you need to be prepared for the consequences of that. You made your (empty) bed, now you have to sleep in it (alone, apparently, though that’s not what I heard! Ohhhhh burn…).

The problem comes when you change your behaviour but the perception doesn’t change. And, really, there’s no quick fix for that. If you have a reputation as a charlatan, the only way to get past that is to be nicer and more gentlemanly than the “nice guys” you’re looking to be framed with. You always have to overcompensate in order to move the perception needle. Or to date outside your regular circle, which I have to say, is generally a good thing. It lets you reboot yourself a little bit and be the guy you want to see in the mirror, but also allows you to go into a dating environment without any of the social baggage. There’s something to be said for starting fresh. It’s like buying a great new pair of boxer briefs: you just feel like a new man!

Mel’s Response

That’s great advice, Jer. I went through something like this once and going outside of my social circle was the best solution. Perception is reality, so venturing outside of your circle will be the best solution for finding those with fresh perspectives who will generally not be opposed to the idea of dating you.

Naked Question 2: Scandalous Behaviour for the Faint of Heart 

From Double-Dipping: I’m (casually) dating two people and they both happen to be on Twitter. They follow one another, but don’t run in the same social circles. Is this still too risky? Should I get out now or is a way to pull this off and avoid potential awkwardness?

Jer’s Response

To me the point of the initial dating phases is making decisions. The first couple of dates are “is this person interesting”. By the time the third date rolls around you should know if the person is interesting enough to invest in. By the end of the first month you should know if it’s a relationship you want to invest in. For my money, by the time you decide that the person is worth investing in enough to evaluate them as a potential longer term partner, you should be doing everything you can to not fuck  it up. Ultimately, you really should avoid being Jack Donaghy: make a choice, otherwise one will be made for you. And nine times out of ten it’ll be the wrong one.

From experience, I really don’t recommend pulling a #jerbear and asking a dozen girls out in 24 hours, having an incredible date with the third one and then needing to cancel on a half dozen girls in the space of a few days. It really, really doesn’t tend to go over very well. Girls talk. Which, in this case, is entirely fair.

Mel’s Response

Don’t hate me for saying this, but it’s called the dating game for a reason. I don’t condone cheating or juggling people like a circus act, but all’s fair in love and war, right? With an open mind, here’s your answer:

If you can’t play the game at an intermediate level, move back to the novice playing grounds.

Being single is meant to be fun, and until you’ve had the E-word talk (exclusivity) with someone… its not cheating. Maybe not kosher and possibly disrespectful, but technically not against the rules… especially if you are seeing both people casually and you don’t see a potential future (IE. exclusivity) with either. If, however, you do see one as being your next GF/BF don’t sabotage your future: try to commit. Otherwise that person may have issues trusting you and committing in the future.

Jer’s Response

While I technically agree that there’s no “cheating” until you get to the exclusive stage, playing in the gray areas with someone who could be worthwhile can also be playing with (the wrong kind of) fire. Just be sure you’re good with the consequences if you do get “caught”. I also find if you’re dating two people because you can’t make up your mind, it’s far more likely that neither is what you want, vs that they are both fantastic. Make a call, and find someone good enough for you.

Naked Question 3: The Ex Treatment and Unfriending Territory  

From Shakespeare On Facebook: To keep the ex on Facebook or not to keep the ex on Facebook - that is the question.

Jer’s Response

I’ve had the entire range of experiences here. I found out about a breakup via Facebook (that was fun). I had a girl block me, which was more confusing than hurtful, since she was the one that cheated. One ex trashed my wall (she was drunk and her friends may have been posting via her phone). And then I’ve had friendships rekindled thanks to Facebook, had very civil interactions, etc.

So yeah, lots and lots of Facebook drama, heh.

For most people I think Facebook (like Twitter) is so easy to post to that their behaviour tends to mirror their real world mindset. If they took it very, very poorly in real life they are likely to do the same on Facebook. If they’re the type to shut you out, they’ll do that on Facebook. If they were nice and forgiving and genuinely want to be friends because it just didn’t work out? They’ll do that on Facebook. Twitter is a bit of a different beast because it’s so public, so folk are either more vehement or way more classy (depending on if they care more about hurting you than their own reputation).

Either way, the goal is to try and not have things blowup. Publicly, social media-wise, or even behind the scenes. At least with Facebook you can see what the person is saying and react (or not) accordingly. Also, there is something to be said for helping you, or the other person, recover: limited profiles, blocking, etc, aren’t always drama. Sometimes they’re just helping you or your ex maintain sanity.

Mel’s Response

This is a hard one and I’ve had these things go different ways. Some people keep the person on, some people keep the ex on but limit profile settings, and others simply delete. I once had an ex delete me, but he thought it was too painful to keep me there…. and I once deleted an ex, but only after finding out his new girlfriend made a hobby out of creeping my profile… and then I have exes who are very much a part of my Facebook life, unlimited profile access and all.

The difference between these is how we felt upon ending things. For example, an ex who found the breakup to be unwanted and was quite hurt when it happened: Probably deleted you to maintain some sense of sanity. On the other end, if you have a mutual, clean break and still act like friends in public, its no big deal to stay friends on the book. However, in most situations you don’t remain bffs with your ex (if you do, you’re either lucky or crazy) and that’s where the problems begin… or rather, continue…

Here’s the big issue: social media is popular because it feeds into our voyeuristic nature. This is a double edged sword when it comes to relationships — just as it can help grow a relationship faster and stronger, it can also destroy a relationship with the same force. If the relationship was meaningful, the breakup is going to be hard. This now means getting regular updates in your news feed, access to new pictures, and the self-destructive potential for creeping to turn into a full-out obsession.

That’s the worst feeling ever — trying to get over someone, nursing your broken heart back with a tub of Double Chocolate Fudge Explosion and Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield blasting on repeat… and then it happens. You login to the deathbook to see if anyone else is as miserable as you, only to find the ex’s happy-go-lucky update in your newsfeed. It never stops there. Next thing you know your checking his wall posts and pictures like a crack-addicted FAS baby strung out and looking for your next fix.

That’s when you know its time to go into facebook rehab and delete the ex… and then limit-profile every friend in-common.