Naked Dating

Naked Question #2: How Long to Wait After a Date?

In our second installment of answering your questions (ask yours here!), we cover whether changes in technology mean changes in approaches to the “waiting game”! And if you want to yell at us on Twitter, just hashtag your tweet #nakeddating or send it to @smichm or @jeremywright.

Today’s question is from Bernie:

I think the ‘wait x amount of days before calling’ rules of Swingers no longer apply due to social media/networking. Twitter allows you to contact/converse with dates minutes after parting. Are there new rules/ideas/guidelines to follow for our changing times?

Jer’s Response

Ooooh, a Twitter question! #soexciting

I’m a big believer in Twitter for dating. It’s a great way to get to know someone (you can see your personal communication as well as their communication with their friends), lets you jump in and out of conversation when you have something witty to say, and provides an easy route from public discourse to private conversation (Direct Messages, or DMs). In short, it’s the perfect way to go about getting to know someone and arranging a date, if you’re okay with the fact that your date could well get Tweeted/Blogged/Tumblfied about!

So let’s assume you’ve found someone interesting. You’ve had lots of public conversations, a bunch of private conversations and you’ve effectively gotten past the first date “who are you/what do you do/etc” awkwardness. You’re friendly and the girl is entering “intriguing/interesting” territory. Clearly you’ve also added her to Facebook so you can see if she’s as pretty as her Twitter profile picture makes her out to be. 

Guy secret: girls, hate to tell you, but pictures is the number one reason a guy friends you… it’s not because we’re creeps it’s just because we don’t like surprises and are trying to confirm out attraction. Really, it’s not creepy. Promise. 

In short you’ve had the conversations, checked out her Facebook and organized a date. What is the post-date protocol? Here’s my opinion and approach. If you:

1. Had great and frequent conversations before the date
2. Both of you clearly had a good time during the date
3. You grew a pair and said, near the end: “I had a great time, we should totally do this again”
4. You received an “I’d like that” in return (and avoided doing a happy dance as a result)

Then, really, you shouldn’t stop the flow of conversation. My approach is to DM her within 1-4 hours of the date (sometimes walking away if we left on, erm, really good terms) and say “Thanks for the great night, see you on The Twitter :)”. It opens the conversation back up (because if you talked regularly before, stopping for two days just because you had a date is weird and because reaching out shows you’re not afraid to man up and say you still like her in spite of her propensity to play with her hair like that means something…) in a very non-threatening way.

However, if you don’t have that regular flow of conversation? Don’t be weird. The next time there’s an opportunity to @reply her, or DM her, take it. Ultimately if you got an “I’d like that” to a future outing, and you haven’t been too much of a douchetard, you’re free to ask her out again. The ideal time is once conversation has returned to normal and you guys are flirting again. The non ideal time is the morning after you drunk dial her. … Not that I’ve ever done that… Just.. Don’t.

Mel’s Response

You and your question are so money and you don’t even know it! ;)

I think the way we communicate has changed so much that things will never be the same as when our parents were dating… or when my older sister was dating… or when the Swingers movie was made. The rules have changed with technology - and that means more than just “don’t send her a fax.”

Communication is so instant that the “waiting game” has been time-lapsed from 2 days to 2 hours. You have a smartphone, you’re constantly connected — there’s no excuse to wait when responding. If you do, you’ll easily be forgotten. 

We have a lot to learn from the old rules; However, they now require communications to be condensed, with faster response times and communication that can be very public [read: easier to fail]. 

There’s an evolution of communications that drives us from “cute avatar” to “great date last night” and differs based on tech savvy and comfort with the internet.

This is not some jedi mind shit and these points will adjust based on your online social prowess. 

• First rule is that there are no rules. Even these points are merely an outline. 
• Less is more. Its called naked dating for a reason - online, you are pretty exposed, so keep it simple and leave the sonnets to Shakespere
• To introduce yourself, start with a tweet about something relevant to what the cute avatar is tweeting about. 
• If this cute-avatared-character doesn’t respond after two-or-so tweets, step back. Don’t be a creep. 
• If this does turn into a tweet-session, gradually take it into DM-zone. 
• If you’ve successfully moved into DM-zone, bring Facebook into the mix. The evolution to facebook allows you live chat, and creep pics, friends in common, etc. 

If all goes well, move in for the kill and ask to grab a coffee IRL. It’ll feel like you’ve known each other forever once you do. Also, know that your first post-date response (I had a lot of fun with you…) sets the tone and expectations for your conversations from that point forward… but no pressure. Like the the voicemail #fail in the swingers movie, don’t #tweetfail on your follow up — this is the cherry on top and can help seal the deal so be thoughtful and considerate before sending!

Jer Stumbles

Okay, so I know we disagree on a bunch of stuff around Facebook. For me, I’ll add a girl I’ve carried on a few conversations with on Twitter to Facebook, not at all feeling like a creep. She seems cool, the one avatar pic seems cute, and I’m just confirming my suspicions. If she isn’t my type, I don’t stop talking to her, I just count her among an incredible list of great female friends and feel lucky to have her in my life… But then I have no issues with folk creeping my pictures and stuff in the first place, so maybe I’m just biased… 

But, I’ve heard from a lot of girls that the whole Facebook add thing is grounds for serious drama. What’s the wrong way to bring Facebook into the mix?

Also, as a girl, is there still value to the “waiting game”? Was it true that being too eager used to mean you were desperate, whereas some humour and confidence within minutes or hours after a date can show you’re confident in you and don’t need to play “by the rules”? What’s the right mix for a girl?

On the flipside, and maybe it’s because I’m (oddly) traditional, but I do feel like girls that reach out right after a date are taking the opportunity away from me to make the choice to chase. You covered this a bit in our first question, but as a guy we need to make that choice to chase a girl, and a girl reaching out too soon, while it fluffs our egos as guys takes away the stressful guessing game where we push through our nerves and figure out what to say and how many smiley faces to include in the message. Ultimately knowing the girl is interested and we have a green light ish is great, but we need to make that choice to grow a pair and actually step outside our comfort zone, otherwise we never fully buy-in to the relationship.

Mel Squabbles

Well Jer, you bring up a couple of great points… only a couple though :p

I think the difference between Facebook and Twitter is the openness of the two networks… with Twitter, you can openly contact people you otherwise couldn’t because (as long as the account is not private) you don’t need to be “accepted” to follow/friend/contact someone. However, with facebook, there is a certain sense of privacy with the personal information there: You need to request a friendship in order to get access to this person’s world. Most girls I know (especially the ones who don’t live in public as much as I do) value that privacy and see it as a place for their chosen friends… and unless you have the golden ticket, you can be seen as overstepping your boundaries, going into the girl’s personal bubble and losing any chance of playing in the chocolate factory. Wait till you can call yourself a real acquaintance, otherwise you risk being labelled a creep. 

And you’re totally right about “taking the opportunity away from me to make the choice to chase”. We often forget about that point.

On the girls’ side, waiting for the guy to follow up builds serious anticipation and butterflies… Yet, how long it takes the guy to follow up can be the cherry on top or the nail in the proverbial coffin: Ideally, it happens the same night (once arrived safely home?) or the next morning. You know, follow up while your lead is still warm… you want to get me while I’m still gleaming, perma-smile plastered on my face and stars in my eyes like a cracked-out cartoon character who just saw the hawt bunny in the little red dress.  Just as it can seal the deal, it can be uber disappointing if it takes too long… by noon the next day, if I still haven’t heard from the guy, my defenses go up, I’ve pegged him an asshole/player/not interested, and my ADD has kicked in and I’ve moved interests to something shiny… or puppies… or… wait what were we talking about?

Jer Romps

So basically, depending on how well the date went:

1. don’t change the flow of conversation
2. don’t jump the gun and be desperate
3. do be witty
4. don’t wait too long and let her cool off

Any other tips for lonely Twomeo’s or … Twuliet’s? #groan

Mel Sighs

Yup, That actually wraps it up perfectly.

If all else fails, think “what would Chuck Norris Do?” and you’ll be fine. 

What Do You Think?
When is too soon to ping a girl or guy after a date? Is the Facebook add creepy? Will Jeremy ever find a girl who understands what his mamma called his “specialness”? Leave these and other responses in the comments below!