Naked Dating

Naked Question #1: What To Do When She’s (He’s) Out of My League?

Every week (at least once), we’ll answer a question from our Naked Public. Format is Mel and I (this is Jeremy) will each write a “blind” response (without knowing what the other is saying). We’ll then go back and forth arguing, debating or poking fun at each other.

Given this is our first one, be gentle! To get your questions answered, go here! And if you want to yell at us on Twitter, just hashtag your tweet #nakeddating or send it to @smichm or @jeremywright.

Our first question is from Randy:

What do you think of the concept ‘out of my league’? Usually I tend to not go for girls I think are in that category.

Mel’s Response

As a girl, I don’t really believe in leagues. I’ve had “hot” boyfriends, “average” boyfriends and even an “ugly” boyfriend (or two), but that never really mattered to me. However, I know from a lot of guy friends that this is a very real concern, so yes – this concept and theory does exist, and it can exist on the male or female side of the equation:

1)      The first form of “leagues” is in your mind, and it will prevent you from having the courage to talk to girls, which then, until you grow a pair, causes them to be out of your league because you lack the self-assurance that girls always pay attention to. 

2)      You have a girl you’re attracted to, but she’s a jaded individual who wasn’t hugged enough as a child and wants an asshole to treat her poorly. She thinks you’re “too nice” and that she’s out of your league. Think of it as a good thing, let her deal with her daddy issues on her own time. When she’s found some sanity you’re exactly what she’ll want.

All of that said, we’re hard-wired to think people are of a different league/class than us based purely on looks. I think its ridiculous because once you hit a certain age, you know, like adulthood… The ladies stop looking for a hotty and start looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with. 

I want to shake guys sometimes when I hear them say the self-defeating “she can’t be interested..  she’s out of my league.” Honestly, if you have a great rapport and you think she may be interested but are stopping yourself because you think this smoking hawt hard-body couldn’t possibly be interested in little ‘ol you… please smack yourself in the head with a frying pan. All she needs is for you to show her you can be her partner in crime - that will make you the hottest guy in the world to her. I’m serious! I fell in love with my guy the first time we met - when he started passionately answering my questions on cloud computing, it was so hawt, him.. being himself, geeking out. It happens. 

Here’s a secret – most girls (especially the pretty ones) have insecurity issues – the prettier ones even more so because guys are afraid to talk to them. Trust me, I hear it from them all the time.

“Tell a pretty girl she’s smart and a smart girl she’s pretty”

Jeremy’s Response

Alright, since this is from a guy, I’m going to answer this from the guy’s perspective. Unless you’re Brad Pitt, or you have a history of dating really hot girls and so know exactly how hot you are, you probably think most girls you’re attracted to are out of your league. It’s sad, but true.

The dirty little secret about guys that we don’t talk about, and we’ll never tell girls (so girls stop reading now!), is that we never think of ourselves as hot or attractive or sexy or desirable. We’re able to act like we do: we swagger, talk the talk, build up habits and such. But when a truly pretty girl stops in her tracks to admire us, or when a girl says “You are so nomnomnom!” normal guys, and nice guys, will internally have a hard time believing it.

Confidence for a guy stems from the whole Beauty and the Beast image: girls are beautiful, soft, velvety gifts that just need to be loved and appreciated. Guys are disgusting creatures that need to win the girl over so she’ll see past our slobbering unkempt exterior to the worthwhile guy underneath.

Girls are taught at a young age that they are pretty, and guys are taught we should tell them that. Guys are taught we aren’t, and girls are taught to get over our depravity.

So… is a girl out of your league? Maybe. But she probably doesn’t give a damn. For most pretty girls, that aren’t in a “shallow” mindset (which happens to everyone sometimes), looks aren’t the biggest thing. Honest. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true. So, while I don’t recommend going up to the hottest girl in the club and dropping your most fly line on her or demanding anal after the first dance, I do believe that if you’ve got a great rapport with a pretty girl you feel is out of your league that you avoid pulling a Tonia Harding on yourself.

Give you a shot. Getting a “no” sucks ass when you get it. But the “I’d like that” response to whatever your smooth question will be is worth the risk.

If you like a girl, you aren’t the only person losing out by you not taking a shot. She is too. So don’t be a douche and deprive her of all the Beast that is you. Talk to her, ask her out, and if that doesn’t work out and you are genuinely interested in her as a person, there is nothing wrong with having another pretty friend to give you dating advice… that way you can stop reading this blog (no but please don’t stop, we love you and you’re hot! Really you are!)

Jer Asks

It seems as though we have similar opinions on this. What about the female perspective… how can girls deal with the “He’s outta my league”?

Mel Burps

First off, men are kinda clueless, so you need to let the guy know in a subtle way that you are interested. By subtle, I mean don’t send the guy naked pictures of yourself… unless the guy is Jeremy, of course. In which case that’s a badge of honour.

With that said, I have found myself in that situation a couple of times. You know the one, when your feelings of want for someone are unrequited.  Both times I found myself chasing after the guy… even after I attained him, I kept chasing to keep him interested. The more I chased, the less respect he had for me; the less respect he had for me, the emptier I felt and the harder I tried. Then I became “one of those girls” who reads He’s Just Not That Into You looking for some kind of epiphany. Eventually, I came to my senses and learned a hard lesson: my mother was right. 

It may sound really old fashioned, and let me tell you how hard I tried to prove the theory (and my mom) wrong, but the sad fact is that men are hunters. Men need to feel the thrill of the chase to be satisfied. Please note I’m not suggesting *games* as a strategy; rather, men will move the earth for a woman they want - hold out for the one who’s scaling mountains to be with you. 

Unless you are utterly masochistic, don’t bother with a guy unless he makes you feel like he’s the luckiest guy in the world to have you. Because he will be. And you deserve nothing less. 

Jer Dances

Wow, okay, so I learned something here. Women overthink everything! ;-) I kid, but seriously, the core of Mel’s advice is spot on: if you’re interested, let him know in a subtly clear way. Don’t confess your undying love. Don’t say you’ve admired him for years. But be clear enough. I’d recommend asking male friends about this, since female friends will often think “subtle” and “clear” are the same thing. Let me clue you in: guys can’t read between the lines. We’re barely even aware there are any lines to read between! 

Once you’ve indicated you’re interested, wait. At least a week. If he doesn’t make a move, then a slightly more subtle move (wearing a great outfit, for example) to remind him of how great you are is key. Don’t offer yourself again. You’re doing the real life equivalent to a Facebook poke. Subtle, not specifically meaningful, but if he’s interested he’ll get the picture.

I had a recent girlfriend do this. I moved into a new neighbourhood and she asked me out for a drink (several folk had, so this wasn’t weird). After three hours of conversation, I thought she was great, and we were clearly hitting it off. As the night was winding down, and we’d both skipped appointments, she made a subtle remark about the night feeling “date-like”. When I talked to her today, apparently my response was a bit too coy because she didn’t think I was interested. But when I asked her out several days later, thanks in large part to her small prod, she knew her patience had paid off.

So, yes, indicate you’re interested. But don’t debase or make yourself totally available. Not-nice-guys will take advantage. Nice guys won’t know what to do. All guys need to make the actual decision to take a chance on you. If they don’t, they never fully buy in. Ultimately though, sad as it is, the best way to let a guy know you’re interested or to get him interested is to just look irresistible on a daily basis. I know, I know, we’re shallow but looking great does get our attention. And let’s be honest: we’re guys, if that doesn’t? Nothing really will.

Mel Flies

Either way, there’s a cycle and if either of you think one is out of the other’s league, the cycle ends and both of you lose out.

What Do You Think?

Have thoughts, tips, suggestions? Disagree with everything we’ve just said? Want to tell Mel she’s hawt, or Jeremy he’s late for his shower? G’won then, what are you waiting for?!